I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
