Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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