So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I love you.
Bad choice
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