sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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