i need an iv and a liver transplant
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
