I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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