I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
