you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
