rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
