it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
