I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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