haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've blown a few things in my day
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
