dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
3pm strippers are depressing
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
