im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
