hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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