I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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