standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
