Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
