The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
