was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
