My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
