Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
