DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
