"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
