saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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