1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
