How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
