I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
