I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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