if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
