are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
