She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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