Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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