I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
