Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
