Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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