have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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