im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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