His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
