Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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