Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
