there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
