i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
