she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
