I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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