Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
ok first of all what the fuck
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
