Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
