VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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