I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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