Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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