Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
