Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
