I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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