so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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